“Why I Do Not Drink” - 11/16/22

There’s no real reason to be sharing  this other than writing is an exploration of emotions and how things can affect parts of life in ways some never thought possible. I am determined to show, & attempt to explore how OCD & Anxiety affect a sufferer’s life in different ways that one may not expect - which is why I’m writing this.

I was having a conversation with a dear friend of mine regarding drinking. She and I have had mini versions of this conversation before but we never really explored the topic…partly due to the fact I had never explored it myself internally, let alone sharing it with others. 

March 3rd, 2022 is the day I had my last drink. I know this specifically because I had posted a photo to my Instagram with the caption: “it’s one of those kind of nights”. Sad, right? 

Funny enough, I had only wanted a drink because of glass. Isn’t that stupid? Dave Grohl - the epic Dave Grohl had just been on the YouTube show ‘Hot Ones’ twelve days prior. Eating spicy wings, telling epic stories and drinking “cocktails” (for lack of a better word) out of this black plastic tumbler.

I feel like I need to take this moment and say I am not saying Dave Grohl is the reason I drank - not in any way/shape/form! - I was enticed by the scenery, the laid back chill nature and what my OCD brain zoned in on was “I recognize those cups! I HAVE those cups!” 

As usual, my disorder - (which honestly causes me so much pain I wish they would call it a disease, due to the way it rots your brain.  (Or at least mine). According to the Oxford English Dictionary:  A Disorder – An illness that disrupts normal physical or mental functions.) - my disorder focused, & hyper focused on one solitary thing. This time it was a cup. 

I wanted to have an alcoholic drink from the same type of cup..for no discernible reason other than just a feeling I wanted to quench. The only thing I can attribute the same feeling to is when as a child I watched someone else in a room I was sitting in be told not to turn off the light switch, & all I wanted to do was turn it off myself, just to see what it would feel like. Both accomplish nothing.

It also coincided with a particularly hard day at work that day. A day that was truly awful but right now I don’t even remember what happened. 

Which, in hindsight makes me feel better about my decision - that phrase of “don’t do anything stupid about these feelings because in 5 months you won’t even remember” - yeah that. It’s now 5 months later and I have NO IDEA what made me so sad that night. But I do remember that night, getting off work and feeling so bad I wanted a drink. 

To do what? Forget? - That was a decision I had never made in my life and I wasn’t about to start now. It had been years before being diagnosed with my illness, where I tried to “numb pain” with food or other stuff. I didn’t want to be that person again, and particularly not with something as potentially dangerous as alcohol. 

I am very thankful, alcohol has never been my poison. I never had a drink until my 21st birthday, and even then I had one - which I didn’t even finish. I’ve hardly ever finished a drink. I get migraines easily, I can’t have dairy and I don’t like the burn - so none of it tastes good. My body is too sensitive to coffee let alone alcohol. 

There was a period in my life where I’d be out with friends and they would drink or I’d say “oh I’m a social drinker” - but even then I was uncomfortable. Also, $14 for a smaller drink that burns and gets you a headache- I’ll pass. 

So I made the decision not to drink. The flip side of having an obsessive brain, is that once I decide to do something - I do it. My determination gene kicks in. I feel very thankful to say I haven’t drank since. I wouldn’t call it “sober” because I feel that diminishes the word for survivors that work extremely hard and are powerful people. Me not liking a headache isn't that. I just don’t drink. And choose not to drink, probably for the rest of my life.

 There is a quote by Miley Cyrus which says “I’ve just been wanting to wake up 100%, 100% of the time.” This is what I strive for. This idea, and level of “clear headed-ness”. Unfortunately my anxiety and OCD most days makes that 100% drop down to 80% or even 50%… and I don’t personally want to add to that lowering of the number by adding alcohol in the mix.