Trying to prove something I didn’t have to – 8/26/22

 Words have power. & it’s taken me a while (even today I have not fully learned it) that MY words have power as well. 

I’ve always planned out what I am going to say, talk to someone about or bring up to someone. I’ve written it out, made a note in my phone – “text Joey __”. 

A.) because I have high anxiety so I can think of something important and the next second it’s gone. 

&

B.) because I like to write mini blueprints for myself when I need to text someone or have a convo – because I personally do not like going into this world with no direction because if I don’t plan and leave it up to my mind in the moment I’m going to say something I don’t mean, not say it correctly, give myself a panic attack because I wanted to say x,y, or z or apologising for something I said. 

 I remember first being told that at around 18, by a guy I was seeing. He saw my phone and was creeped out & proceeded to yell at me saying “this is not okay”. “You can’t live life this way” & made me feel just awful about myself. I even showed him “no it’s not just you, I do this with my coworkers, friends, parents” – he turned around to me and went “Katii that’s even worse!”

I was 24 when I started to unlearn it. He and I haven’t even spoken in 6 years and for those  6 years that held me. 2020, was the year I started realizing words had POWER. They just have, if that one yelling match by him held me closed for 6 damn years. It broke me. But then I realized – I have to do the things that have my mind at peace. So I do. 

  Today was harsh on my brain. I had had a panic attack, turned to a possible friend for help- he had helped me, then afterwards asked if I was okay. I told him I spent the fair bit of the afternoon crying – because it was too much. The events of the past few days had lent  my body to so much stress, I hadn’t slept, and now that it was over, uncontrollable sobbing was my body’s way of release. To get back to the happy. I needed to expel it. I tried to tell him this, I tried. I also tried to explain that it would possibly take me a few days to regain the happy because something still didn’t feel quite right. I needed to see good things, happy things… anxiety isn’t really a switch you can turn on and off. This was the response I got back.

 Before this message I was chill. Before this message, I was just expressing the nerves we’re gonna take me a few days to wear off – to see what happens with life. My body would naturally adjust… like a snake shedding its skin. Anxiety shedding away. 

 What followed after this message, however – was pure terror. Terror of “this is true, you are paranoid. You will have a mental breakdown.” 

In my head, I know I’m okay- and once I get some good sleep I’ll be good. This person made me feel like I’m such a fucked up person and I’m so crazy and obsessed and this and that, and I obsess about others all the time and they’re all I can think out and my worlds gonna come crushing down when x, y or z happens – and it’s not none of that is true… I just have a bit more anxiety with people I don’t know well. It’s hard for me, because I do have anxiety and mood swings and I don’t wanna push new people out by acting nuts and not being on my meds and not being able to control things. Has anyone else felt this way? Just with new people in your life? 

 For example, with A LOT of my friends this year in 2022 I spent the MAJORITY of 2021 scared out of my mind, apologizing to them left right and center and scared everyday they were gonna hate me. But now I know they don’t. And yeah it took me a YEAR. A fucking year, and I’m still scared half the time. It doesn’t make me a bad person, or not normal, I just have social anxiety. And I am working on it. To get better and I’m happy about it now I feel good. Way better than last year. 

 I’m scared of being too much. I’ve always said that. Not clicking with someone is one thing, but clicking and someone going “oh I thought you were cool but turns out your not and you’re making me uncomfortable” is a whole other fucking ordeal. And I hate that- I’ve been there before and I’ve ruined a lot of good things and I don’t wanna be that anymore. So I know how I feel…THAT is my truth. ….. but when this persona said that – it was said in such a convincing way- Such a demanding way. It wasn’t “I think” or “could you be” it was – “this is the truth” & “you are”. They were telling me about me. & it made me paranoid, it made me start to think “oh shit I am this way and  etc and I am creepy” and etc 

and I’m not. I’m not that way and none of it is true. But because it was said so boldly. I – I started to feel bad like “oh my new friends know how crazy I am and now I need to prove it’s not true” – I spent like 4 hours trying to prove to myself and the world that something that wasn’t true wasn’t true.I know I’m not that way.& just because you’re portraying me that way, doesn’t mean I am. And even tho it’s not true what was wrote about me made me think that those things were real- ABOUT ME. So it’s fucking with my own personal narrative. Like why am I trying to prove something I don’t need to prove. I have anxiety and I had a bad day – that’s it. And thank god it’s over.