“Hair” – 5/1/22

    I originally shaved my head fully in 2017…on a dare believe it or not haha – my coworker, who has now become my long term friend inadvertently challenged me. I had hair past my shoulders, & me being me at the time; anxious and scared- I was always playing with it. Within 1 hour it would have been up, down, in a ponytail, in a bun, and in a braid. I remember him staring at me doing this, chuckling as he walked over to me. “Girls are so obsessed with their looks, I bet you no girl in here would just cut off her hair.” 

The wrong sentence to say to me haha. He had said it and walked off, probably not thinking twice, & certainly not intending to be rude. I remember that whole conversation tho. I remember immediately checking my schedule, seeing that I didn’t come in to work until 11 the next day, knowing the barber shop opened at 9:30 and planning to stop there on the way to work.

I also remember the day. I was expecting shock- cutting off your hair is a lot- but I wasn’t expecting what happened. I wasn’t expecting to have to give almost an OPEd to my barber about why I wanted to get it done…I wasn’t expecting other clients telling me that I was “so brave”…I wasn’t expecting to walk home and present myself to my family as if I had just announced I committed some horrible crime…or the amount of old men stopping me on the street asking if I was now a lesbian/asking if I hated my parents/asking if I was rebelling/or (the weirdly common) if I had had a fight with my dad…or when my mother openly starting being publicly in favor for trans rights- being asked if I was the reason due to the fact I was transitioning…being applauded by strangers…audible whispers by older women I passed “oh my, I could never do that…children these days” followed by eyerolls,….being rushed at by coworkers as if I were a new puppy they all wanted to touch…being petted, being told I was crazy…being asked if I was crazy… “who hurt you?”… “Do you regret it?”… “did you make a mistake?”… “WHY?!”… “you used to be so pretty”…and the mother of all questions “SO WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO START GROWING IT BACK?”

All of this was really weird to me because I honestly hadn’t felt like id done anything extreme- heck I’m covered in tattoos and THIS is what shocks people? okay But none of that compared to the power that having a shade head brought me inside. There was not one moment of my childhood when I was confident. I was fat, had body clothes, and wasn’t great at school… (lol you get the idea). I was not feeling confident inside and hated every second of everything – So I tried experimenting with my look to see if I could get the inside to match the outside. A lot of this came in the forms of bright colored hair and makeup (blue and purple mainly) & it was fine, lol still NEVER looked like the box ) but it was fun to not be socially “normal”. However, I quickly discovered doing this did not do what I intended. Instead I gained yet another safety blanket. People only wanted to make small talk about my hair and that was fine with me….I could deal with a 10 minute convo about why my hair was blue rather than a convo about what I was doing in my life. Yes, keep it at trivial and then you can go do your own thing.

Shaving it off erased all that. I was suddenly forced to look people in the face, no hair to hide behind now. People suddenly had more questions, and were expecting more answers. And you know what? It was fun. I got to puff up my chest and go “yes I did this”. I had found my thing – the thing that made me view the world differently due to the fact I was forced to carry myself with confidence because if I didn’t people were going to walk all over me. 

   Walking all over me was one option – expecting a lot from me became the second…this move seems so shocking to them I can fully understand how they would expect me to be an equivalent to a human megaphone; because “why wouldn’t the rest of the you be bold?!””. Everything comes with an expectation. Every problem solving idea for you is another problem for someone else. 

Miley Cyrus said in an interview with Joe Rogan that people judge her sanity by her hair…more or less if it’s long she’s “fine”, and if it’s short she’s “going through a crisis”.  Which I understand. People will Judge you based on your hair. Heck, I did it to myself. I dyed my hair blue so people would take about it and not the rest of me, & now I shaved it and people still want to talk about me. People will talk about things that go against the society created version of “normal”. Even with that common idea of how either dying/cutting your hair signifies you had a breakup or a new job. Hair has become not only a representation of you but a tool for others to judge you on their “scale of normal” if you don’t fit what they think you should look like or what you are going through in life – you’re already being judged. 

The society’s “Victoria Secret Model” style of “guide for women” is just that. Thin, big boobs, long hair, smile and shush! We see it all the time. “Men don’t like loud women”, “you don’t look feminine”, I want a “girly girl” – basically certain men want “their woman” to look a certain way… there are many reasons for this, many ideas of why, the most damaging one I’ve personally seen is a guy will tell you how he wants you to look, which will inevitably become how and when to speak up, what opinions to have, how to dress, etc- while holding it over your head “I will leave you”…(if you change/if you’re not what I say looks pretty/if I can’t have the final say) because yes, if you’re a quiet person, it’s much easier for the loud ones in your life to talk FOR you. 

Fuck that. I’ve been attacked by all sides. “Lil tip.. guys like hair btw” – im leaving his name out on purpose.

 No sir, YOU do…& that’s fine. But you do not speak for all men….this is something I had to learn. One person does not speak for an entire race, gender, sexual identity or job. Literally every single human being has their own definition of “beautiful”.

This comment above was said to me as a réponse by a male acquaintance when I asked him what another guy meant by dropping the idea of our date. Ahh yes, my hair. So should I buy a wig? Are you going to pay for my extensions?  

“It’s a fact.. but dont take my word for it I’m just a GUYYYY..only a few will put up with a buzz cut I’m jus sayinnn” – Unknown male. 

It is a fact, that I’m not doing what you say I should do to be pretty…because I at the end of the day I have to love me.. you don’t. 

Haha it did make me laugh, because this guy is not a bad guy…this comment did just happen to fall into that category. Screw my writing, my singing, being a good person but oh you have short hair too bad . 😂

Ah, your ah activist? ,a painter? hard worker? donate to charity? etc? ahh if only you had long hair- then those would be good things.😂

*(I want to throw in here it’s not just men who say things. It can come from anyone of any gêner identification.This just happens to be the one example I have. The point I am making is about the commentary of others..the same way some woman will bash women for having implants and calling them “not real women” – this is NOT a  men bashings paper. A female member of my family told me once a woman was “not a real woman” because she had fake boobs-this woman owns 4 companies,and has won championships but those boobs man. It’s the idea that your accomplishments mean nothing if you don’t look a certain way)**

No matter who is commenting on you; parents, partners, coworkers, friends…it is hard as fuck to not let a single opinion ever not hurt your feelings. It’s fucking tough, words can hurt…a lot. But at the end of the day- the one you go home with is you…the one you see in the mirror is you…the one you live with is you. Your personal smile is more important that another person telling you you are pretty. & there are people who will tell you. You just have to find your people. Also, you can confirm to every single persons view of what you “should” be and some people will still fucking hate you. So do what you want. 😊

(Coz btw I have had MANY men tell me I’m sexy for having a buzz cut. 💋) 😉