‘Childhood Traumas; The Car, The Period, & The Food and Weight Conundrum’ - 10/25/23

-full disclosure, I wrote this about a year ago today, and it took about a year to truly post it -

:Trigger Warning:

Uncomfortable topics discussed:

• Weight

• Food

• Growing Up

• Mental Health

The Car:

You were told to sit there and be quiet, listen to their music on the radio - ears open. In CASE they wanted to talk to you.

Funny thing is, no one ever said a word to you UNLESS you had your headphones in.

Isn't it funny? How you always got in trouble for it ?

How they were always mad at you.

"How could you be so rude? How could you be so mean?"

When all you did was put your headphones in. But they mocked you, the ridiculed you. Told you, that you were wrong. Scoffed and said "She's always ignoring us."

The Period:

I remember the day I got my period. Well....actually that's not true. I remember the day my mother FOUND OUT I had gotten my period.

I must have gotten it a few days earlier, or the night before, wasn't sure what it was and threw the underwear in the laundry bin.

I was told as if I had done something wrong.

There were people over. The two neighbourhood kids, and we were playing on the computer when my mom pulled me outside. She only ever spoke to me when I was trouble, and had no fear in doing it in front of friends- so when her head whipped around the door frame of the "computer room" I groaned and got up.

She pulled me outside, I remember it was cold, and all she did was close the glass door behind us. Or was it screen? Either way, we stood there - barefoot on the front wooden steps.

She leaned in closer to me and in a quiet voice goes "did you get your period?" Thinking a "period" was something I'd done that would warrant me getting in trouble or perhaps something I broke I said "no" not really sure what was going on.

It was THEN that I was told it wasn't something I was getting in trouble for. - Wow, way to tell me sooner.

"I found blood in your underwear" - Really? We're doing this now? I thought as I kept looking over my shoulder seeing the two kids playing on the computer screen, so scared they wouldn't overhear.

I don't remember what was said next in our "conversation" but it wasn't at all comforting. I remember leaving with a shrug and an "oh, okay" before opening the door and walking back inside, taking my seat back next to the kids at the computer.

"What was that about?" one of them asked. "Oh nothing" I said closing my thighs together, and looking down. I was quiet the rest of the day.

The Food and Weight Conundrum:

I was in my early pre-teens when my mom put me on my first diet.

The ‘Special K Diet' (let's call it SKD for short)- a two week "program" that replaces two of your three meals a day with a MEASURED bowl of Special K and SKIM milk. I don't quite remember why I was put on this diet, other than being told I needed to be.

When you're a kid everything plays a factor in EVERYTHING. Every detail, no matter how tiny can make a day go from bad to worse, and being so small sometimes you're unable to comprehend why you're having a bad day - you just are.

I remember those days of the SKD. A very light lunchbox brought to school with an ugly tuber-wear of dry cereal and a thermos of milk.

Cafeterias in our school were always kept cold no matter what the weather, and I have sad memories of walking into a cold lunch room, unzipping my pack and seeing cold milk.

Perhaps a melodramatic detail, but there is a feeling of looking around - with your heavy metal spoon from home in your hand, slurping on cold milk in a cold room, watching your peers enjoy hot lunches or "fun" lunches as it was put by my parents.

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Food seemed to be a consistant topic in my house - all the way to this very evening. Questions of "what are you eating?" "What did you just make?" "What did you buy at school?" Being on a whole other level of the house and suddenly coming downstairs to stand behind you when you entered the kitchen.

YET, YET! If you dare came home with something in hand - you get to watch parents turn into seagulls... (It borders somewhere between annoying and hysterical).

"What's that?"

"Where did you buy that?"

"Why did you buy that?"

"I already had sugar today!" (Yeah I didn't buy it for you?)

"Can I taste it?"

Or, if you managed to sneak past the front door without the barrage of questions you were sure FOUND later.

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Sitting on the couch, I might as well have a had blinking neon sign above me. I didn't even need to turn to know I was being starred at. You can feel the eyes bore into you...then suddenly an arm and an outstretched hand.

A hand, no words, just a hand. A hand opening and closing quickly, over and over, waiting for you to place what you were eating into it. While she just looks at you. If the word "gimmie" had a motion.

Not even "give me" - "gimmie" like a baby, an absolute baby. And once you finally handed it over you were done for.

Let me paint a picture for you. A couch, that goes from left to right.

Here I am on the right side. My mother sits down on the left.

After her little "gimmie" gesture and my reluctance to hand the bowl over it would "disappear". The bowl would then be placed, by her, on HER left side, or she would turn over and pretend to curl up on the couch. Give it 5 minutes - bowl empty- she says nothing.

Asking for the bowl back one gets to DISCOVER its contents, followed by the phrase "don't you think you've had enough?"

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There were never any left overs. Even if you bought them. You'd wake up in the morning, come home from school or work and nothing.

Snacks or dinners were chosen by how much self control SHE had.

"No, I had pizza at work today, you can't get it for dinner." What does what you had at work have to do with what I eat for dinner?

I could walk in with a bag of candy and set it down. "Why did you buy that, you know I can't control myself." - I bought them for me?

THE MOST RIDICULOUS was when I'd buy a bag - SHED EAT IT, so then I would buy a second bag (so I could actually get some) AND SHE'D SNAP AT ME FOR THAT TOO!

"This is why you're not an adult-look at what you spend your money on!" (Oh don't worry, we'll get to the money chapter in book two.)

"All you eat is sugar, this is why you're so fat."

Didn't anyone hear of ask if it's not yours? No, in her house it's first come first serve- unless it's her food - don't you dare touch her food - unless you want to be called a pig.

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It sucks to see your parents side with your 8th grade bully. I was 13, and all I wanted for my 8th grade dance was a cream coloured dress. For some reason I was out shopping with a certain girl from my class. I don't know why, we weren't friends, so why was I there?

Anyways I told her this & she replied with ... "well, maybe you should get a black dress, black is slimming." I, obviously upset ran home to mom. Moms response? "Well she is right, maybe you should go with black."

Thanks again! From a person who HATED that you were dating a body builder "when you look like THAT." Now, to be fair, he and I had our own issues but one fo the few good things about him was he did like the way I looked and liked me for me.

My mother, didn't see it that way. Once he and I started officially dating she became the food police. One evening, I wanted a burger. "Has Jack seen what you look like?" "Would he want you eating that?" Jack didn't care, but she never believed that..."he's just being nice."

... In reality Jack wasn't nice, so at-least he was telling the truth about ONE thing. :)

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Compliments were never given unless you lost weight. "You look so skinny, you're beautiful." "You look pretty, look at how much weight you've lost."

You'd think all of these comments were made by an extreme athlete, a doctor, a fitness extraordinaire - nope. Just another person...another person who looks almost exactly like you do.

• Who tells tales of how she was the skinny sister in high school & how her sisters hated her for it.

• Who goes to grocery stores & sees a group of over weight people and goes "God, is this where all the fat people shop?"

• Who turns every story into one where she's the victim.

Complains no one ever does anything nice for her, so you buy her dinner, and when you do (& after she's eaten it all) you get told

"all you ever think about is food."

And when you comment on this?

Her answer? "I've had a baby, what have you EVER DONE?"