“Be Mindful” – 3/8/21

I’m someone who lives VERY openly about the fact I have mental disabilities. So I do feel like I have the place to comment. I live every day with anxiety, OCD, depression episodes, phobias, and just fear- on a day to day basis. 

It is not my place to say “as someone who doesn’t have a disability you can’t comment” because I don’t know – you could and you’re just not telling me. BUT if you’re going to OPENLY BOAST about not having any disability: mental, physical, emotional, irrational or other you’re fair game.

It goes so much farther than “oh I’m nervous”. Having my mental disability has – to put it bluntly – ruined many parts of my life. It’s ruined my school career, it’s ruined jobs,it’s ruined relationships (professional, family, friendship, platonic, romantic), it’s ruined my bank account to some aspect.

I’ll give you a very very real example. My anxiety makes it hard for me to cope on days where things aren’t done in an order. My anxiety also deals with the fear of being clean – the idea of pink eye terrifies me. So the amount of time I spent asleep or crying or shaking with fear or depression in my college dorm when I should have been in class, means I didn’t do well in school. Four years later I’m finding a job with no college degree required -the thing is, jobs with no colleges degree required aren’t very plentiful- and what do a lot of those jobs include: cleaning bathrooms, entry level positions. Which I do understand! But with my disability, I can not apply. Which leaves me with few job options, and the fear I better not loose this job. So it means I have little money. (A nice life, I’m not complaining- but I’m NOT rich), I don’t have access to the most expensive doctors to help me “feel better” to go to school, to get the better job. It just goes in a circle. The amount of money I’ve spent on hand sanitizer and soap alone, PLUS the amount of money I’ve spent on lotion and lip balm to COMBAT the the dryness of soap and hand sanitizer – I could probably fly to London and back… TWICE. 

Relationships- I’m someone who CARES. Ive never meant anyone any harm – I think there’s about two people in the world who I genuinely hate. Only 2. Mostly because I can sympathize with a lot of people and empathize and say “they did this because”. My OCD allows me to dissect thing into to 1/1 thousandth of a detail and go “well they were sweating when they said that so they weren’t having a bad day”… and I had to realize not everyone can do that. And not everyone cares to do that. I had to learn some people couldn’t read between the lines by watching how an eye twitches or a sigh or a bite of the lip. 

I’ve also ruined (or have been told I’ve ruined) relationships through my anxiety. I’ve had friends go “you can talk about it with me, sure” then on day 3 go “you’re STILL talking about?!” I’ve had coworkers hate me because I apparently “made them look bad” because I did 10 extra things at work than our job description stated  because I could tell someone needed help. I’ve been portrayed as “too much” an “ass kisser” and more by former colleagues and friends. When it’s just my anxiety saying “that person needs help, get off your ass and help- they are mad at you for not helping” so I beat myself down into doing something nice – then get beat down by others because I did the nice thing. 

Being a fan, is super hard – oh my gosh I’m sure I’ve annoyed Alan Davies, the JCS team and The SortedFood team to no end. Every day I feel like they hate me. You spend days counting “how many texts did I send?” “Okay I tweeted three times today so to balance it I should take a break for a week so I don’t seem nuts.” And I have NO IDEA if it’s true. But my anxiety says it is. And that’s all I have. 

ITS JUST WHAT ANXIETY DOES. ITS JUST WHAT A DISABILITY DOES. 

I don’t understand how someone can face another human who you’ve never met, will never meet or met a few years ago and you haven’t spoken in years – look at them and say “you’ve been living with this for 7 years, it’s your daily life, your brain, your medical history- BUT LET ME TELL YOU HOW I KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU THAN YOU.”

HOW do you get the ego to say you know more about someone’s medical history than they do? It’s their body! When did that become okay?!

Because I’ll tell you – not even doctors know the answers. Since 2012 I’ve been two three different doctors, two different therapists, four hospital stays, booklets of medication and medication combinations – to this year (2021) to FINALLY find a medicine combo and Doctor that work.  THATS ALMOST A DECADE. A decade’s worth of work, tears, anger, fear – etc. And you’re going to tell someone you know more than a decades worth of work because you read an article on line?! Piss off! 

And I know I’m very fortunate – I have a mom and dad who help, I have a job, and I’m 25. I have the brain of a young woman who has the strength and knowledge to know what’s real, what isn’t, a good doctor from a bad one, people who are and aren’t trying to take advantage of you – etc. But I know not everybody has that. I know at 16 I didn’t know HALF of this stuff. I just remember sobbing alone thinking I was crazy. Because I didn’t know how to express what a panic attack was. Perrie Edwards from Little Mix describes it perfectly- she said when she first started having them, she thought she had just survived a heart attack.

So when it first started happening to me, It was just so scary because I didn't know what was going on. I was ringing doctors I was ringing everybody like "I'm dying; I've just had a heart attack and survived it." Like I thought I was genuinely; there was something wrong with me. - Perrie Edwards on her first panic attack.

When you start to do research you realize quite quickly the symptoms are extremely similar. 

And if you’re 12-16 with NO knowledge, it’s bloody terrifying. I know young teenagers now who have mental disabilities and it breaks my heart – you can try to help, try to say “I’ve been there- you’re going to be okay” but it falls on deaf ears because your anxiety tells you everyone is lying and you’re gonna die. Most mental disabilities don’t let you see reason. And they’re not stupid, not crazy, not lazy – they’re body is under an attack from itself. So if you think you’re trying to “educate” you’re just actually just insulting- so please, don’t do it.  

It is so dehumanizing to be told you don’t know what’s going on in your own head. To be told you’re too sensitive or stupid to wrap your head around knowledge. That you apparently don’t know what’s going on in your body. We do. We’re not idiots. If you’re having a conversation about “what it’s like to have cancer” and no body at the table has cancer- you’re having a conversation of assumptions.  To everyone asking- I am fine, I am very thankful for my voice. 

BUT to everyone out there – who thinks it’s funny, it being used as an excuse, it’s laziness, it’s crazy, it’s “not real”;

The British Journal of Phsychiatry has an article from 2016 stating “A recent meta-analysis indicated that approximately five million deaths worldwide are attributable to mood and anxiety disorders each year.”

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5082973/

5 million. The ADAA (The Anxiety Disorders Association of America) says anxiety shows up in children as young as 8. https://adaa.org/sites/default/files/Anxiety%20Disorders%20in%20Children.pdf

We need to make the conversation better, stronger and more inclusive of people who actually live with these illnesses. Think before you speak. Think before you tell a child what they are feeling isn’t real. It is. And you don’t know what your dismissal will do. I would have loved to catch mine at 8 and not 16, and certainly not finally properly medicated at 25. I would love those 17 years back, and certainly those first 8.