“Anxiety In Relationships” – 12/12/21

I was 19… 

Interested in a guy I worked with? 1st red flag.

The fact he was 40 and I was 19? 2nd red flag. 

Quickly after he and I started talking he knew I had a crush on him. I was bad at hiding it. 

I grew up in a very restrictive household. Topics were “taboo”, you weren’t allowed to dress a certain way, had to be a certain weight and speak a certain way – if not you were shamed. So I was VERY new to the idea of speaking to adults and having my own thoughts that I wasn’t going to be told to shut up about or that I actually didn’t have to apologize for feeling a certain way. 

Also sex was NEVER discussed in my house. I was always made to feel bad so of course looking back-the guy who gave me the slightest attention I latched on to. 

I didn’t have my first kiss till I was 18. This was my second relationship… EVER.

Turns out this guy had a girlfriend already…in fact he had 5. Four other women I’d never met. It was explained to me: “well she’s my main, and the others we just have fun”. He made it seem, fine- normal. And honestly it is- you do you. It became a problem because he was emotionally abusive. 

You were only allowed to talk to him on certain days. Tuesday. Tuesday nights he was with Margaret and into Wednesday. If you wanted to talk to him outside of these times he had to check. God forbid you wanted to talk to your boyfriend on a Friday night, right? Or on your period, or a sad day. How dare you? 

And if you did- you got snapped at. By him- Altho he says it was never by him. It was always “Margaret is angry with you now…”

Girl vs girl. We all ended up hating each other. Hating people whom I’d never met. 

That’s why I’m nervous about talking to friends who have girlfriends now. Or interacting with guys who I didn’t know had gfs but found out later. I INSTANTLY have a gut feeling of AWFUL.

Which usually ends up with me sending a message similar too:

“HOLY SHIT, fuck I’m an awful person, I’m so sorry didn’t know you had a girlfriend! I won’t be sexual anymore!!” 

Because It’s ingrained in me to feel so damn awful. And also women always blame women. Rarely ever getting mad at the guy who cheats but more the “woman who tempted him”. So I guess I’m more apologizing to the woman through that message rather than the guy. 

I’m always afraid of “stepping on the other girls toes.” Like I need to apologize for not knowing. Haha, like she’d even ever see it, right? 

I never knew this was something I’d repressed for almost 7 years. I thought I’d moved past it – HIM- how he made me feel. 

Turns out… I didn’t. 

Didn’t know that till I sent that message AGAIN and my friend saw it and went “what the fuck are you doing?” … & honestly I’m glad she did. IM VERY THANKFUL TO THAT FRIEND.

I’m still currently learning the fact that every human is different.

Because HE was an ass doesn’t mean the world is. And after a good solid 3 hour cry, then another one almost a day later. I realized repressed feelings, non delt with feelings, DONT JUST DISAPPEAR. Pushing shit down doesn’t work. 

It’s weird what one bad human can do to you. I’ve lost so many potential romantic and platonic relationships by either:

A.) Sending THAT message above. Or another frantic “sorry”

-OR-

B.) sending an apology to an apology and a message of “oh you didn’t take that well, I apologized because of this ….insert reason here…

Just unnecessary filler shit, mid anxiety brain spasm, look back on it next morning and go “what the fuck did you do that for” type bullshit message. 

1.)deal with your emotions.

2.)forgive but don’t forget.

2a.) forgive for you. forgive it for what it is. to let yourself heal. Don’t let him/her/they/the situation 

live and fester in your brain…take up space.. ruin your day (especially because honey, i 100% can guarantee their NOT thinking of you.) 

2b.) don’t forget what they did…just keep a little liiiitle post it note in the back of your brain to remind yourself of what THEY did- so no one can do it to you again. 

3.) move forward  with grace, class, elegance, & poise.

4.) be a petty bitch. The beautiful Jada P. Smith once said; “I’m a petty bitch… because here’s the thing…I may not say some mean things and I may not do some mean things, but if you do something to me..Baby, let me tell you I’m going to hold on to it.” Keep it in your mind. Don’t let someone treat you poorly then come ask you to do something. You don’t need to be rude back but you CAN say “no”.

5. do you promise? take a note from Lady Grantham…say it with SATISFACTION.